According to some passionate internet vloggerz, Nelson Mandela actually died some time in the eighties. They REMEMBER it happening, okay? Not sure exactly when, but it was somewhere between 1980 & 1989 – one of them years, roundabouts. It was all over the news and shit. They remember his super fly Hawaiian shirts and cheeky smile on all the murals and reports. Except, hold on. Didn’t our man Mandela die in the year 2013? They remember that too. Wikipedia says he died in 2013, so then where the hell did these memories come from? A man can’t die twice, can he? BRACE YOURSELF FOR GETTING WOKE.
So I only just discovered this community of heroes last night, and I’m totally into all this. It’s some intriguing stuff, no doubt. I must have watched about fifteen of these videos, where they basically list off all the food product logos that they SWEAR used to be spelled differently. Like KitKat. Wasn’t it Kit-Kat? And what the heck is “Loony Tunes”? It’s Loony TOONS right? They’re carTOONS. AM I GOING FUCKING CRAZY?
They’ve got an explanation. It’s pretty obvious if you take a minute to think about it. Four letters for you buddy – CERN. That’s right, The European Organisation for Nuclear Research – you know, the ones screwing around with large hadron colliders and particles and shit underneath Switzerland are to blame for all this. Those damned Godless freaks, messing with things they don’t understand again. Turns out, all this Higgs-Fuckery has resulted in something like a parallel universe getting all mixed up with our own, and now we have to deal with the Earth shattering consequences. You know, like a Captain Crunch cereal turning into “Cap’n Crunch”. CURSE YOU CERN, YOU CRAZY BASTARDS.
The main one everyone seems to be going on about – which explains this phenomenon without a shadow of a doubt – is that famous end scene of STAR WARS, where Darth Vader does the ultimate Shyamalan on Luke and tells him he’s his Father. You know the one. OR DO YOU?
You thought he said “Luke, I am your Father”. But what if I told you… he doesn’t. What he says is …
“No…I am your Father”. That’s it. No “Luke…” HOW CAN THIS BE? Well, let’s think about it. First off, Mr. Vader’s voice is muffly as heck and the “No” sounds a bit like “Luke”. It’s not a stretch to suggest that you misheard it and have always just remembered it that way. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one – maybe you heard it just fine. What I reckon though, is that you were so jazzed and excited by that scene when you first saw it (like we all were) that you wanted to tell people about it. It’s basic Tatooine Whispers. You ran up to your dumb little friends in the playground the next day said something like “OH MY GAWD, HAVE YOU SEEN THE STAR WARS? DARF SABER IS ACTUALLY LUKES DAD! HE CUTS OFF HIS LEG AND IS THEN LIKE – LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!” We all did it. We all got things wrong in the excitement. It’s not a big deal. Also, since when was Vader on first name terms with Luke anyways? Hey Luke, pass the potato salad would you? Hey Luke, there’s this Father/Son picnic going on next week, wanna come? Luke, I’m your Daddy.” It’s just not right.
And that’s the main issue I’m having with all this stuff. It’s like these people are just so arrogant and sure of their own elephant like memories that they can’t even entertain the idea that they’re mistaken. Or just dumb. It has to be something else. Something to do with parallel universes. This ain’t Fringe honey. This is David Icke level dipshittery. It WAS always “Loony TUNES” even if it looks wrong to you now. It makes sense, because it’s a pun. The other part of it was “Merrie Melodies” which is where all the characters come from. Melodies…tunes….see the connection? The Flintstones weren’t EVER called the “Flin-Stones” because…what the hell is a Flin Stone? I’ve heard of FLINT stones. You know, it’s a rock. They put it on the sides of houses. Kind of fits with the prehistoric theme.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that these videos captured my imagination. They were fun to watch and there truly isn’t anything I enjoy more than some Youtube nut-jobbery. But if people truly do believe this stuff, I’m slightly concerned.
BUT HOLD ON. What about JIF? You remember JIF right? You can’t find it anywhere now. Only… CIF. What the hell is CIF? HOLY COW…IT IS TRUE.