Brightonandonandon 10 & 11

Brightonandonandon #10 – Red Man

Pob pressed the button and waited. As cars careened by at speed, Pob shuffled his feet and looked up at the red man. Pob hated the red man, with his lethargic stationary positioning and general lack of a face. Pob preferred GO-ING. Not WAIT-ING.

Pob clutched the cold metal truck of his skateboard and tapped it’s nose on the pavement anxiously. Living in Brighton was weird for Pob. He’d only lived there for a year and although he had to admit that there was a beezer skate scene down by the sea, he still wasn’t quite used to the slower pace of life. Sure, they had green & red man crossings back in London, but nobody actually used the things. In London, jay-walking was just walk-walking.

Pob looked up again. The red man. Pob wondered if the red man ever got bored of his passive perpetual existence. If he ever just felt like giving it all up and retiring, leaving the green man to take over everything. Maybe he couldn’t leave? Maybe the red man and the green man needed each other? This was Brighton after all.

Pob made his decision. He wasn’t going to wait for the red man to leave. No one dictated when Pob could cross the road, not even adorable animated singing hedgehogs. Pob stepped out.

“Look mummy!” came a small voice from a small child.

“That man is naughty! He’s crossing the road before the green mans appeared!”

Pob felt foolish. He stepped back onto the pavement and knelt down to the child’s eye level. Pob put on his most convincing smile and attempted to communicate with the child.

“I wasn’t paying attention was I?”

The small child shook it’s head and smiled.

“Mummy said you’re always supposed to wait for the green man otherwise you’ll get hit by a car and die and your guts will go all over the road and then mummy and daddy will have to go to my funeral, and Daddy says that’s something no parent should have to do.”

Pob ruffled the small child’s hair and told him to “stay in school”. Not wanting to set a bad example, Pob waited patiently for the green man to appear, and after about 20 seconds, sure enough there he was. Pob winked at the small child and his mother, grinned and began to cross confidently.

A cyclist hit Pob at a great speed.

 

Brightonandonandon #11 – April

April glued a pound coin to the pavement outside Choccywoccydoodah. This was going to be HILARIOUS.

Hiding behind a green telephone wire box, she propped her new 1080p HD digital camcorder by it’s side and sat down cross legged on the pavement. April wasn’t into technical stuff, but luckily this particular model was top of the line and did all the focusing and stuff for you. It even had a Wifi feature for instant upload to the web. She was meeting some fellow Vloggers at Starbucks later, so that was cool.

It only took a few minutes for the pound coin to attract interest. A bald man with a choker on tried to pick it up, but after realising he’d been duped stuck two thumbs up at April & her camcorder and laughed. Another person, an elderly woman, also tried to pick it up. It looked like she struggled a bit to bend over, but it wasn’t anything dramatic. The footage was alright, but April needed negative reactions. Her Youtube Subscribers loved seeing people pissed off and they had come to expect a certain standard from her.

April, noticing that two homeless looking men were walking in her general direction, repositioned her camcorder to follow them as they came down the street. This could work, she thought. A bit of pathos for the Youtube Community.

April tried shuffling across to hide from view, but she didn’t budge. Something was seriously wrong. She couldn’t move. She turned her neck around as far as she humanly could and looked down at her bum. The superglue had leaked out into the back pocket of her floral print jeggings leaving her stuck fast to the pavement. April pulled as hard as she could, but there was no give. She started to panic, flailing her legs around madly.

Sensing that strangers were beginning to look at her, April sat still and put her head down. It only took a few minutes for the girl in the floral print jeggings to detract interest. People walked by her, with their heads down too. April watched back the footage on her camcorder to pass the time while she figured out a plan for getting home. The footage was great. The two homeless men, after seeing the pound coin, started fighting with each other, arguing about who had seen it first. One pushed the other and only after finally realising that neither of them could actually have it did they call each other a wanker and a shit and walk off in separate directions. This was Gold, April thought.

By 7pm April had come to the realisation that the only way she was going to get home, was without her trousers. April extended her arm, holding out the camcorder for all passers by to see. She cleared her throat and announced to the shoppers:

“Will trade camcorder for trousers”

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